Hey all! 🙂
It has definitely been awhile, hasn’t it? This past year has been one for the books for sure.
I had two different posts planned and partly researched but, decided that this one needed to come first. The stigma behind inpatient care is very strong and I need to answer some questions about it.
TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF SUICIDE AND SELF HARM
In this post, you will get to know more about me than most of the people I see every day. It has taken me around 3ish months to decide whether I wanted to even tell this story and if I was, how I was going to tell it to you all. I believe honesty about mental health is what makes it easier to deal with. It’s important for you to know that your feelings are valid and that people go through life issues everyday and you are not alone.
Things have been pretty crazy this past year. I was self harming in different ways since January 2022. I would skip a month or 2 but it would be many times throughout whatever month it was. At first it was just self harming and the occasional want to drive off of a bridge onto the highway, but the way it festered over the months was extremely scary and I am only seeing it now.
I have, and had, a lot of unfortunate events happen last year. From financial issues, my ex-husband losing his job, my sweet dog has been gone since October 2022, my 5 year-old daughter got sick with Covid, medication changes….so many medication changes, no insurance to get my medications for a few months and having to either pay full price or just say “forget it”, my insurance didn’t cover ketamine, awful medication side effects, a divorce, moving, a new job, and the list honestly goes on. When I went back inpatient in October 2022, I was taken off of the medication that lowers your seizure threshold. So far so good.
An important thing I want you to take away from this post is, if something about your medication is just not sitting right with you, don’t stop telling people until you are acknowledged and something is done about it. Always be HONEST with your health care providers.
So, I was admitted to inpatient at the same place I went to in 2019. It was a very positive experience. I changed up a few medications, went to the multiple therapy groups we had, did some self care, and tried relaxing. I started feeling really good after a few days of the medication change and I was discharged after a week. I did, however, go from having a depressed episode to a manic episode while I was inpatient. That might have contributed to the good mood and positiveness I was experiencing, so I felt like I was ready to take on the world.
Unfortunately, the same day I was discharged, I found out my daughter had to be picked up from school because she was sick. We took her to the doctor and she had COVID. There were a handful of the factors I listed above that happened the literal first day I got out. Not to mention I wasn’t able to get one of my important medications and had to be without it for about 3 days, financial issues, my sweet dog had run away while I was in the hospital, and various other things sent me back down into a deep depressive episode. I feel as though I was back to square one on day one or two of being discharged. I just couldn’t believe it. I had just gone in to get help, and it all fell apart because of the amount of stress and anxiety I was feeling. I’m upset because I thought I was doing well, then things in my life became overwhelming.
I want you to know something.
Just because you go inpatient does not mean you are 100% “fixed” the day you discharge. It’s a treatment and it does not completely heal you. After you leave, it is YOUR responsibility to keep up with the medication and the therapy. Unfortunately, the amount of pressure set me back again.
I wont go into detail but, I was lost and broken over many awful things happening and losing my dog that I adopted a 4 month old puppy with only one eye. I wanted something to help heal the pain and if we found my dog, she would have a friend. Unfortunately, the sudden manic decision of adopting a puppy did not go over well with some of the household and I was instructed to take her back. That…was my breaking point. I started self mutilating again after 22 days of being “clean”. I couldn’t handle how I felt anymore. About myself and about others. I truly believed that I did not have anyone there for me anymore. No one understood what I was feeling and no one had cared.
Not only did the self harm come back but, so did the suicidal ideation. Worse than I have ever experienced.
I, again, will not go into detail about what happened, but through a chain of horrible events and a misunderstanding, I landed back inpatient at another facility. This was less than a month after my discharge. Peace officers had to take me. This place was terrible and scary, and I felt even more alone. I was asked at intake who I could go to for help or who I could talk to and I said that I had no one. I felt I had lost everything.
My time at that facility was only for a few days, but I learned so so much about myself. Like I have Borderline Personality Disorder added to my list of mental disorders. I learned a lot about that and how it is basically a sister disorder to Bipolar (I will talk about BPD for the next post). I met two people when I was inpatient in October 2022 who have BPD and I remember when they would tell me about it, everything sounded so familiar. I never would have thought I would end up having it, too.
So I’m getting better in spite of those who didn’t believe that I could. Even myself.
I’m taking all medication as prescribed, doing weekly therapies, using coping skills, I got a new job, and I am working on me. Somedays I feel as though I am falling again, but I have amazing people in my life who show me that is not my limit. They show me that I have grown before and I can do it once again. That a bad day is not where things end for me.
I had so much more I wanted to say, but I have already drug this post out by 3 months and honestly what I really want you to take away from this is that the way you feel matters. If you feel unsafe, please talk to someone who you feel safe with. Get the help you need, even if that means going inpatient and understand that you will not be completely better on the discharge day. Getting better is a process. After surgery it takes people sometimes months to be back to where they were. Everyday they have to practice and exercise to get to where they want to be. There are going to be so many days it feels like you can’t go on, but I promise you that you can and you will. No one is going to do it for us, so we have to get up and do it ourselves. If getting better in spite of someone works, use it! And we CAN do this, even on our darkest days and from the bottom of the pit. I believe in you and I know you will be okay and you can get through this stormy weather.
Next post will be over BPD, hopefully it will be sooner than later.
Thanks for reading!
-Bipolar Weirdo
Bipolar Weirdo 